Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
