and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
