I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
