Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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