Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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