so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You have to summon your inner elephant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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