I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
