Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
