im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
