I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
