i just had sex bonerless
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
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