You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
