there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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