take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
