My liver just broke up with me...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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