if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
