WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
