What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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