I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
