it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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