Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
