God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
