Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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