wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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