wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
