High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
