Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
