If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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