During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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