My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
did i just pee glitter
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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