pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize