just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
