i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
