I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
