i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
