I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I party with great urgency now.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
