I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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