When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"