He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Randomize
