He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
