Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
