what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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