Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize
