two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
