Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
