You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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