mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
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At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
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I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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