So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
