Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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