I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I want her autograph on my taint
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
