Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
