and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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