RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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