My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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