So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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