you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Randomize
