i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
