i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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